If you have not watched this mini series on Netflix, heads up this episode is going to discuss abuse, trauma, childhood trauma, but all from a very very realistic point of view.
Also, this is going to be full of spoilers! So if you are interested in watching something provocative, extremely raw, real and to be honest, will cause extreme discomfort, I HIGHLY recommend pausing, watching and coming back to listen to this summary.
FULL disclaimer, if you are triggers by any of the topics I listed before, maybe proceed with caution. I know for myself, there were some nights after watching an episode, I would be extremely triggered and need to take a break.
Respect your nervous system, give your self some compassion and kindness because this was soooooooo hard to watch, and that is coming from someone who is in regular therapy, who has been doing years of work and.
So please listen to the way your body reacts, the way you feel when watching, not just this series, but anything… on social media, on TV, movies.. sometimes we want to watch things that relate to us and our stories, but sometimes it’s too difficult. Sometimes it brings up too much discomfort we aren’t ready to face.
As reassuring as it is, to see stories that are relatable, it can also cause those who have PSTD and unresolved trauma harm.
Self care can also mean actively choosing to not consume media that triggers you.
I was warned before watching the series but I also felt so compelled to watch something to feel seen and heard.
AND WOW WAS I EVER!!
This show was so well written and produced.
Stephanie Land’s groundbreaking New York Times best-selling memoir Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother’s Will to Survive was the catalyst for Maid, Created/Written/Produced by Molly Smith Metzler. I am going to say that I did NOT read the book but watched the series. So I will reference the book and true story at some points, however this will mostly be off of the Netflix series.
The IMDB description of the show is:
After fleeing an abusive relationship, a young mother finds a job cleaning houses as she fights to provide for her child and build them a better future.
Lets start off with saying that, that summary is failing to mention a very significant element of the plot that is the systemic poverty in America.
The first thing I could tell from the story, is just how REAL it is. How accurate it is and how clear to me that this is based on a true story.
SO let’s go from the very beginning.
The show follows Alex, a young mother, who is trying to escape an abusive relationship.
Quickly you learn a backstory that involves:
- the difficult relationship with her mother, who she claims to be undiagnosed bipolar
- Her partner is an alcoholic with explosive anger who works at a bar
- She is semi estranger from her father, but you don’t know why until many episodes in
- She does not have a job or much education & her family is living in poverty
The story really begins with Alex making the decision to leave her partner after a very scary domestic dispute. She flees in the middle of the night, with her toddler
She first tries to go to her mother, but considering her mental statement, and living in a small trailer herself, she deems it is not best suited for her child either.
From there you watch Alex try to become self sufficient, start a new life.
But quickly you see just how difficult that is.
Immediately Alex files for a no contract order, similar to a restraining order. In which, her partner contests to, and because Stephanie doesn’t have a job, and even though she had texts and voicemails of her partner threatening her, the judge looked at what can each parent, as an individual provide.
The mother has no house, no job…
The father has a full time job, a house, supportive family…
Faced with the challenge of her partner taking her to court, calling her an unfit mother.
What the court sees is a women, who stole the man’s child away, in the middle of the night, who has no job, no education, no stability to provide the child.
Because there was no physical altercation, no physical proof of abuse, just he says, she says, and Alex did not file a police report the same night she fled the home, the court deems the father the more fit parent and the child is taken away from her mother and forced into her fathers custody.
Before I go to explain what happens next, I am going to break down a few key elements here that absolutely ENRAGED me.
First and foremost the fact that emotional abuse is not seen in court, as REAL abuse.
I feel as though yes, maybe the judge would have taken Alex’s request into consideration had she filed a police report that same night, HOWEVER, since there already is a stigma, that yelling, screaming, punching walls, throwing objects isn’t real abuse .. despite the fact that almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively). It still isn’t taken seriously because there aren’t necessarily obvious physical marks. The damage is more internal.
Because of this stigma, people don’t report the abuse. Which perpetuates the cycle even further.
Cops or courts don’t hear as many cases of emotional abuse, because we feel like we won’t be taken seriously… so then when it is reported, it chalked up to being “not that bad”,
Now, this also is very different city, to city. There are some cops who are compassionate and willing to help.
However, even from my own experience.. it’s not that I wasn’t taken seriously, its more until I mention his hands were physically on me could they legally could take action… there isn’t much they can do unless he is causing damage to my property or causing me physical harm…
So what does this come down to?
In my opinion, a very old, outdated system. Like most of the systems in place, like a lot of the laws that are still in place that do not make sense for our current days.
In many interviews with Stephanie Land, she explains that the worst part is that society tells parents, to take care of their children. No matter what. But when she did just that, she was shunned, she was told to go back and make it work because 2 parents are better than 1. Even if that means being in an unsafe household.
Now how out dated and ridiculous is that?
She also explains how many people, quick to judge the situation would say “you shouldn’t have chosen that person
“you shouldn’t have chosen him”.
Those who have been abused. Those who have been in relationships with screaming matches, names calling… you know, it doesn’t happen on the first date.
Not even the second. Maybe you see a glimpse of explosive anger, or heightened emotion, but you don’t assume its because they are an abusive person.
The way the show describes it as…
“you on our first date he was all like, ‘Pass the salt, one day I’m gonna strangle you girl.”
And I can’t help but help, because that is clearly a coping mechanism of mine, but its true!! Abuse doesn’t necessarily happen on the first, second or third date. Usually abusers are very good at concealing their anger or hiding the more explosive side of themselves until you do something to “trigger” them. Stephanie Land explains in the book, that it was when she fell pregnant, not too long after they started dating, when there started to be warning signs. Her partner was not excited about the pregnancy and made it very clear to her that he was not happy.
So what happens next is Alex’s fight to prove to the court that she is a stable mother. A fight that would show light on the poverty and absolute chaos that is the american welfare system.
Living in a crisis shelter, for abused women and children, Alex begins to rebuild. She attempts to get daycare for her child, so she can work but quickly finds out that in order to get subsidized daycare she needs a job, proof of residence.
The Netflix series quotes:
“I need a job to prove that I need daycare in order to get a job?”
Which feels like an impossible task that keeps families, in poverty. How are they expected to get out when the system works like that? On top of the stress of no possible way to get into daycare, Alex is left to try and get a job without a sin number, without ID… The shelter provides her with clothing, an apartment, toiletries.. because when she fled, she didn’t bring anything. These shelters are a blessing and run on donations ONLY.
They can try for government grants, but those are extremely competitive.
Luckily the women at the government office recommends Alex try to contact a job as a MAID, at Valued Maids.
A place of employment with high turn over, extremely low pay and where you need to purchase a lot of supplies yourself to even get started.
In Alex’s journey at this job, she cleans some of the wealthiest people’s house on the island and some of the nastiest places too. While at the wealthy client’s houses she gets a look into the other side. A look into how the other half live. This is where Alex starts to feel a spark and excitement inside of her again. She starts writing stories of the client’s lives, how miserable they are, how bitchy they are, how they are cheating, or how their flight to Dubai was AWFUL…
Sometimes listening to them complain about their wealthy people problems or sometimes its true painful life experiences like the inability to conceive a child. She also becomes friends with a client, Regina, which has another side plot of its own. I won’t dive into that today.
All while Alex is living off food stamps, she has scheduled visitation with her daughter and just barely scraping by despite being on 7 different government grants .. A Pell Grant, SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program), TBRA (HOME Tenant-Based Rental Assistance), LIHEAP (Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program), WIC (Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants, and Children), Medicaid, and a childcare government grant are all the programs that she and her daughter needed to barely survive and not starve
My favourite part of the show is each time Alex would go shopping with her welfare funds or stamps, whether it was for food or cleaning supplies, the dollar amounts would show on the screen. It would show the amount in which she is starting with from her government assistance and practically pennies from her Valued Maids cheque. It would show you the sacrifices she would make when choosing a sponge over bread because at this point, this job was more important that eating.
While Alex is learning the ways of the system, the original author, Stephanie Land explains:
“When people think of food stamps they don’t envision someone like me, someone plain faced and white, someone like the girl they’d known in highschool, someone who’d been quiet but nice, someone like a neighbor, someone like them. Maybe that made them too nervous about their own situation. Maybe they saw in me the chance of their own fragile circumstances, that with one lost job, one divorce, they’d be in the same place as me.” ― Stephanie Land, Maid:
And thats exactly what the Netflix series evokes… it gives you this deep sense of “that could be me” that it could have been you, had you made 1 wrong decision or had bad luck, lost a job and find yourself so deep in the system, getting out is almost impossible.
It also shows you the judgement people pass at the checkout, at the stores when a girl who looks oh so normal, is living off welfare. She also says:
“I felt like sitting down meant I wasn’t doing enough–like the sort of lazy welfare recipient I was assumed to be. Time lounging to read a book felt overly indulgent; almost as though such leisure was reserved for another class. I had to work constantly. I had to prove my worth for receiving government benefits.”
Now I am not going to explain each episode, but I am going to go into the next prolific moment, that I know made the audience feel angry.
After working on herself, getting a job, making friends, moving out of the crisis shelter and into subsidized housing…
Subsidized housing that has only 1 bedroom, so she sleeps on the couch in order for her daughter to have a room to herself…
But the condition of subsidized housing is typically not so good. It’s very common that they are unkept, or destroyed by previous people who stayed there. And Alex’s apartment.. it had mold. While it doesn’t effect Alex right away, the few days a week her child comes to stay with her, it makes her sick. The only affordable housing and option has now been taken away, under renovations and now what? Alex must search for housing. While hunting, many people love her. They judge her by look. She’s a young, white mother, who left the dad and needs a fresh start.
When she then asks if they accept subsidized government programs for those on the LAND program.. you see every single person face drop and turn her away instantly. No one is willing to take the decrease in their profits to help her. Why?
Is it because they have no heart?
Is it because they understand that grant means she essentially has no funds herself and could be a liability ?
It tough. As the watcher, you so badly would like to think that in the situation yourself, you would OBVIOUSLY give her the apartment, take the decrease in revenue and everything would be amazing. But its not that easy of a decision.
Many people abuse the system. Many people take advantage and thats why many people are not willing to take on chance on those enlisted in government programs. Finally someone is willing to take a chance and Alex moves in to a beautiful guest house on a property where she negotiated some yard work & cleaning for discounted rent.
Alex feels optimistic but the set backs just keep coming.
Her alcoholic partner after their daughters birthday party, breaks in the landlords main house , trashes their living room in a fit of rage of trying to find Alex.
Next you watch as Alex loses her apartment and is back at square one. Homeless, going to lose daycare….
What happens is Alex’s complicated relationship with her ex develops. You watch her sympathize with his addiction.
You see that she still loves him, as the father of her child. She sees this as a cry for help. And while she loses her house she is torn between going back to emergency shelter or going back to her partner’s house, or maybe she can work on the relationship with her dad and his new wife…. As the watcher, you try to understand her thought process because going back doesn’t make sense… or does it?
She would be with her child 24/7. She would have a warm bed, a house with no mold that makes her daughter sick, its easy to go back to. Its easy to get stuck into routine.
Change is always hard. Thats why so many people stay in their current circumstances.
Alex isn’t ready to go back…. Yet….
More of the plot unfolds and you begin to uncover why Alex has a difficult relationship with her father, you quickly find out its due to his own abusive history with her mother
You see flashbacks and get an understanding of how the cycle of abuse is perpetuated threw generational trauma. Her dad and her partner are close.. and now you understand why. They are the same person. Her dad is a recovering alcoholic, with a history of abuse and explosive anger.
Her partner… the exact same. Alex has manifested her childhood into her adulthood. And its so common that the love we see as children, becomes the love we search for in adulthood
We don’t realize it. We accept it. Because it was our norm. It was our definition of love.
As the story goes on, you see Alex’s dad stand up for her partner. Give him excuses.. Give him reasons as to why he is the way that he is.
Alex begins to believe this, she is manipulated, yet again.
He never protects Alex. Because that would mean admitting his own fault. Admitting what HE did, to her and her mother, was not only true but incredibly wrong.
Alex quickly distances herself from her father again when she works through this trauma, works through the perpetual cycle that has been passed down through generations.
Lets talk about generational trauma for one more second before we continue:
So generational trauma is exactly as it sounds. A parent can pass their history of trauma down to their children, if the trauma has not been processed and worked through. Many older generations were not open to therapy. They were much more used to “sucking it up”. They were kinda taught that shit happens and the psychological damaged was deemed as being part of life. They did not receive any validation for the pain or any uncomfortable feelings or fearful situations they endured.
Now, Alex’s relationship with her ex was growing more complicated. Now fleeing from her fathers house due to the realization that he does not make her feel safe, she is left again with no where for her and her daughter to go. Her ex, Sean, seems to be working on himself. He is sober. Going to AA meetings. He shows his charm and all it took was one night of Alex letting her guard down and she was sucked right back in. She goes back to him, moves in. And the cycle begins. Yet again. But now, its worse because he knows she will leave. He knows what is capable of.
You see him manipulate her, you see him go through the motions of attending AA, but still drinking secretly. Alex then is forced to quit her job because it would save them money on their day care. She slowly starts to lose herself. Lose all of her progress. She loses her job. Then her car. Then he truly starts to isolate her, which is a tactic commonly used by abusers. They make their partner’s fully dependent on them.
They do so by:
1. financially constraints- she doesn’t have a bank card, credit card or access to money. Any money must be formally requested from her partner, she must have an explanation fr it and he can deny her request
2. Physically ; they live in a mobile home in the middle of the woods, she does not own a vehicle, he takes the car each day to work and leaves her isolated, alone at home with no way of leaving, even if there was an emergency or errand, unless she walked for MILES and MILES
3. Any friends they have, are his friends. They have HIS back and “don’t want to get into the middle of anything”
This time for Alex, almost feels worse. As you’re watching you are frustrated, you are fully of so much rage but also sympathy.
Ive mentioned this before on other episodes but it takes on average 7 times for a victim to leave their abuser.
It never is as easy as “just leave”.
Whether that is because of the financial dependency, the isolation or the fact that just don’ have anyone else. Everyone has their reason, and their reason will never make sense to anyone, so many people don’t even bother explaining it. They don’t bother reaching out, getting help or finding support.
They sit with the abuse, day after day accepting that this is the consequences of their actions.
The actions being that they went back. That they chose this life again. But it’s not that simple. And I think that is huge take away from this series.
Yes, the other major takeaway is the underlying theme of poverty and the outdated systems like I mentioned previously but there is also the theme of understanding how deep rooted, emotional abuse is. That is goes beyond name calling and breaking glass.
It shines light on generational trauma and how easy it is to pass down unresolved feelings. It shines light on mental health and how difficult is for those suffering from specific diagnosis, to “fit in” to society. And how society is really made for and tailored to upper and middle class.
To summarize all of this, this show makes you FEEL. It makes you uncomfortable. At some points I think I even felt a certain level of disgust as I watched someone experience gas lighting, and fall for manipulation traps. As someone who comes from a similar upbringing, this show brought me to tears. It made me happy to see something nowadays depict what it is like. What the struggle truly looks like.
It also made me sad because this is the first time I have truly watched a show, that made me feel not so alone. It showed me there are others who experienced a life similar to mine. But that also made me sad. It was difficult to watch but comforting. It made me feel so many conflicting emotions and I know it did for a lot of you as well.
Emotional abuse isn’t talked about enough or taken seriously enough. I seriously hope that laws will change. I hope it will be taken more seriously. Bones and bruises will heal, the phycological damage caused by trauma, that can last a life time.
