Validation Can Keep Your Relationship Alive

While it can be harmful to constantly seek validation in order to feel joy or acceptance, I am going to dive into why it is so incredibly important that you are validating your partner in order for them to feel seen and heard. 

So what do we mean when we say validation can keep your relationship alive? 

We mean that by simply validating your partners needs, as well as their feelings, your relationship will be nothing short of amazing. It will be happy, it will be healthy and you will see positive results from implementing this immediately …

It does however, take some unlearning of old habits and patterns which can be challenging if you genuinely are not willing to change or learn or grow. Whether that is self motivated or for the benefit of your partner & relationship, that is up to you 

But if you are looking for ways to mend, or improve the connection in your relationship, this is going to be a very useful tool. 

If you’re someone who constantly are finding yourself in situations where you feel like you & your partner aren’t on the same page during fights, or you feel like they just never understand you, or that they just aren’t TRULY hearing what you are saying .. this is definitely for you. 

Or maybe it could be the other side where your partner is constantly saying to you that the reason you are upset isn’t that bad, or it could be worse, or when you cry, you are made to feel ridiculous or they are ridiculing and constantly judging you for feeling big feelings, or a certain way or even make you feel that you aren’t allowed to be upset over something. 

There are many sides to this but what it comes down to is that you need to understand first, how you are invalidating your partner, so then we can see the invalidation clearly and then we can be mindful of the phrases or actions that are contributing to that. 

We then can see, with more clarity, where we can improve and apply validation, in a non judgemental, non condescending , compassionate and genuine way in order to make our partners feel heard, seen and truly loved and accepted by us.

There is a big truth in relationships, that I feel like causes so many fights… and the truth is that we actually don’t want our partners to fix everything. 

When we vent to our partners, we aren’t doing so in hopes of them having a foolproof plan on how to solve our all of our problems.

Majority of the time in relationships, we bring a problem to our partner’s attention, because we just need to get it out. We need to say it aloud, we need to get the words out so that we can begin to process the feelings that come along with our problem. 

We don’t always need someone to come in and save us. Majority of the time, we can save ourselves… but what we need is for someone to hear us, make us feel seen, validate our feelings and make us feel that we are not crazy for feeling the way we currently feel.

So, we are finding ourselves in relationships where we are constantly arguing over the fact that our partner just doesn’t listen, they don’t understand…

How are we not validating them? How are we disregarding their feelings? How are we invalidating them?

Each time your partner comes to you with a big feeling, and remember I say big feeling because there are no negative emotions, 

So each time your partner comes to you feeling upset, disappointed, angry…

How are you responding? We often don’t want to see our partners in distress and so badly want to make it all go away or maybe get them to even ignore it.

So, we try the positive route.

We try to look at the glass half full, we try to say “its not that bad…” “look on the bright side…”

We think that if we play it off like it isn’t a big deal, maybe they will act and feel the same.

But what we are doing is making your partner feel as if their emotions are wrong.

That they shouldn’t feel that way. We are completely invalidating their emotions. Which we know can lead to suppressing emotions, and can lead us to hiding how we really feel, not bringing up to our partner when we are displeased, or have an issue we want to discuss but just can’t bring ourselves to because we don’t feel like they will truly hear us.

And overtime, if this kind of response continues, no matter the size of the problem or feeling, your partner will become distant. There will be an emotional disconnect that they will feel towards you and this can easily turn into resentment, anger and even a grudge over time.

A grudge that they may never want to bring up because they feel you will not truly HEAR what that have to say

An example is if a partner starts crying during a fight or finally explode due to frustration. Maybe they can’t articulate their exact need in the moment, and their heightened emotions take over, 

In this situation, if the other partner’s response is invalidating, 

They could look at their reaction and say they are being dramatic, that the crying is unnecessary… they could be looking at the problem for face value and not understand all of the emotions that were neglected under the surface. And, what has happened, is a disconnect in the relationship.  you have made your partner feel that their emotions, at some-point, were silly. 

They could feel judgement coming from you the second that you are not on the same emotional page as them. 

In relationships where validation is needed the most, is when they have gone for so long without their emotional needs being met, crying our of frustration and explosive anger is a very common response from the body

You have so much built of frustration, from not being seen or heard, words don’t seem to cut it.

Your body is looking for another outlet.

Other ways we have made our partners feel invalidated is constantly having a solution to their problems… “Well can’t you just _____”   “why can’t you ____”. “Have you tried ______”.

Again, we don’t like seeing our partners in distress and we do just want to help however, this can do more harm than help in many situations.

You need to stop, take a moment and analyze; is your partner coming to you for advice? Are they asking your opinion on something?

Or again, are they just needing to say their frustration out loud so they can be HEARD and SEEN and VALIDATED

If conflict makes you uncomfortable or you find it hard to listen when someone is expressing those big feelings, I would advise that you start with validating their celebrations or wins first. 

When your partner tells you something exciting that has happened during their day, at work, or some good news they received. How are you celebrating with them?

Are you giving them the same energy in return? Do you congratulate or share their excitement? 

Or are you short with your response, maybe even come across as dismissive and find yourself not sharing that joy with them?

Sharing your partners excitement, is just as important as sharing their frustration because, again, it is about being seen and heard

What is worse, than being alllllll excited to tell your partner that you got a raise at work and their reaction is “finally” or “wow, that only took 2 years”.

Dismissing their excitement for this achievement makes them feel not good enough, it makes them feel that again, even in the happy moments, they still are doing something wrong. Dismissing someone’s emotions is very easy way, to build resentment in the relationship. 

And that is why, validation can help keep your relationship alive

If we can tune in, recognize that our partner doesn’t need us to save them, but that they need us to feel their feelings with them, we can connect or RECONNECT on a much deeper level. 

And the power of that connection, is really what ensures your relationship will be alive and well. 

And when someone shares their joys with you, what they ultimately are doing is they are hoping to connect. They are seeking someone to share that same energy with, and those who do, will be the one’s they want to share most of their time with.

In good times and in bad, validating your partners emotions, could help keep your relationship alive

So what are some validating words or phrases we can use the next time our partner comes to us with a big feeling? Either excitement or frustration?

If you partner comes to you and is sharing a big feeling, that maybe is sadness… Thank them for sharing and being vulnerable . Thank them for choosing YOU to share this with and trusting that you know how to comfort them.

If your partner comes to you with big feelings that are directed TOWARDS you…

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” 

Do not say but, do not follow up with anything, just say that you are sorry you hurt them, and make them feel seen, heard. If you do not fully understand how you hurt them, try from the perspective of  “help me to understand what you’re thinking”. Going at it from a place of genuine curiosity apposed to defensiveness is the most useful when someone has approached you with something YOU have done to make them feel a certain way.

Again, you need to validate how they feel, no matter if you agree or disagree in that exact moment, if you start a fight with being defensive.. you know how that is going to go.

If you respond to the big feeling, with validation, your partner will calm down, see that you are listening attentively and that you actually CARE to hear why they are upset.

Your fights will start to look a lot different…

So what the steps of validating look like really are

1. Attentive listening ; you can show your partner you are genuinely listening by making eye contact, ensuring your body language is open/receptive, you can even nod
2. Stay present, while they are figuring our what exactly they need to say
   sometimes our partners don’t have all of the words right when they come to us, if they come to us with BIG feelings, it could take some time and lots of patience for them get to where they need to be.
   Be patient, stay present. If you know your partner needs comfort, you can touch their hand, or hold it, just to provide some comfort and assurance that  you are HERe
3. Next is to respond with energy ; if someone comes to you excited, BE EXCITED
   if they are nervous or anxious, be their calm
4. Next is the Validating sentences; we stated before
5. If you feel that your partner isn’t fully receptive to the validating phrase, you can repeat back to them, SHOW that you listened
6. Show them love and empathy 

If you start approaching your fights, or your partners big feelings in this way, you will create a much deeper, stronger connection and your partner will feel safe coming to you to communicate ; in good times and in bad

You can listen to the full episode here: